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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:01:54 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:01:54 GMT -5
Post any jokes here! I also hope no one gets offended with the yo momma jokes.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:02:24 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:02:24 GMT -5
Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:05:05 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:05:05 GMT -5
Dumb Alabama Laws # It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
# Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
# You may not drive barefooted.
# It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
# It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
# Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
# Masks may not be worn in public.
# Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
# Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
# Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
# It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
# Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
# Incestous marriages are legal.
# It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
# You must have windshield wipers on your car.
# You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Anniston # You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
Jasper # It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County # It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile # It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
# It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
Montgomery # It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:06:50 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:06:50 GMT -5
Alaska Crazy Law Alaska's More Important Laws
In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:07:26 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:07:26 GMT -5
Arizona Crazy Law # You may not have more than two d***** in a house.
# Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
# There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
# When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
# Hunting camels is prohibited.
# Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
# It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:09:15 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:09:15 GMT -5
Arkansas Crazy Law # A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
# A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
# Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
# The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
# Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
# A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
Fayetteville # Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
# It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
# It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
# No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
# Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:11:14 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:11:14 GMT -5
California Crazy Law # Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
# Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. v # Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
# Bathhouses are against the law.
# In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
# No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
# Women may not drive in a house coat.
# It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Arcadia # Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra # You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park # Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere # City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe # You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame # It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel # Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
# Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico # Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey # It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood # It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette # You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi # It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc # It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach # It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
# Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
Los Angeles # Toads may not be licked.
# You may not hunt moths under a street light.
# It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
# You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
# Zoot suits are prohibited.
# It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
# It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
Ontario # Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove # Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs # It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena # It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale # Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands # Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside # One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego # The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
# It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
San Francisco # Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
# Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
# It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
# It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
San Jose # It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica # You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula # Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:12:10 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:12:10 GMT -5
Colorado Crazy Law # Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
# It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! # No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
# It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
# Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
Colorado Springs # It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. Crippe Creek # It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. Denver # You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
# It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
# It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
# The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
Durango # It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. Logan County # It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. Pueblo # It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. Sterling # Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:12:49 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:12:49 GMT -5
Connecticut Crazy Law You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
Devon It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. Guilford Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display. Hartford You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. New Britain It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. Southington Silly string is banned. Waterbury It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:13:19 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:13:19 GMT -5
North Dakota Crazy Law # It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
# It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! # Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Fargo # One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:14:53 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:14:53 GMT -5
Looking to buy a frog? A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:17:03 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:17:03 GMT -5
State of Arkansas Residency Application
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:17:58 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:17:58 GMT -5
Monthly overall work evaluation
Name: _____________________ Date: _______________
_____________________________________________________ KNOWLEDGE:__ Really knows what he's doing. __ Knows just enough to be dangerous. __ Only half a brain and is dangerous. __ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
_____________________________________________________ ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied. __ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers. __ Must take off shoes to count above ten. __ What's a number?
_____________________________________________________ ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative. __ Brown noser in good standing. __ Often annoys co-workers and fights. __ Doesn't care, never did, never will.
_____________________________________________________ RELIABILE:__ Works so hard he gets extra days off. __ Very dependable. __ Rely on his being first one out the door. __ Absolutely totally worthless.
_____________________________________________________ APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean. __ Looks great on his day off. __ Flies take him over fresh manure. __ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.
_____________________________________________________ PERFORMANCE: __ Works hard if money is involved. __ Does great work--at evaluation time. __ Works well after ten cups of coffee. __ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.
_____________________________________________________ LEADERSHIP: __ Carries chainsaw and gets good results. __ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust. __ One time some listened to him whine. __ Unable to lead even the most ignorant. _____________________________________________________
I understand that I have been counseled and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat, and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.
_______________________________________ Employee signature
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:19:23 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:19:23 GMT -5
Yo mama is so fat Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:21:10 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:21:10 GMT -5
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:21:30 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:21:30 GMT -5
Yo mama is so greasy Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:21:47 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:21:47 GMT -5
Yo mama is so skinny Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:23:32 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:23:32 GMT -5
Yo mama is so poor Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:26:21 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:26:21 GMT -5
Yo mama is so ugly Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:28:19 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:28:19 GMT -5
Most useless inventions Useless Inventions
1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:28:57 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:28:57 GMT -5
Never hear a man say Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:
1. Here honey, you use the remote.
2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
9. We never talk anymore
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:29:24 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:29:24 GMT -5
Never hear women say Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
5. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
6. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
7. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:30:31 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:30:31 GMT -5
Having a very bad day You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:31:23 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:31:23 GMT -5
Ten worst gifts to buy a woman 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2007 2:32:49 GMT -5
Post by Cheska on Oct 6, 2007 2:32:49 GMT -5
Flying on a bad airline The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline
1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!
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